PRECIOUS PAGES by PAULA

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

REAL SIMPLE

When you have two sons that you literally risked your life conceiving and giving birth to and they have no gratitude for anything and call you delusional it is real simple - this is how you feel -



Why would they behave this way?  Because they have a father that trained them this way.  That they got high with and whose addiction they lived through and yet they still worship the ground he walks on and hang on his every word and believe it for truth.  He manipulates.  He lies.  They listen.  They repeat.  Word for word.  Verbatim from his mouth.  They wish me dead.  At least then I would be out of all this pain. 

I don't wish for anyone else's life.  Every life comes with it's own set of problems.  I just want my life to be better.  And no matter how hard I try that doesn't happen.  Because when those you love the most hate you there is nothing worth living for.  

Thank God for that little Catholic school nun who told us that suicide was the unforgiveable sin talked about in the Bible.  Although today I know that is not true her words linger in my heart.  Right next to the physical, spiritual and emotional abuse.

For her today I live.

28 comments:

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    1. Find a support group in your town. I'm so sorry you are going through this, shame on those boys.

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    2. It's been suggested I try Alanon. Not sure what other type of support group to look for. Parents with Disrepsectful Disobedient Teens? Any other suggestions?

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  2. awww I am so sorry you have to endure this too...Judy has a good idea with the support group.

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  3. Find others who want and need your love and attention. They say love grows better if it is given away...and it doesn't seem like those two boys want any. Find another outlet for your focus and try to make someone else feel better.

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  4. Big hugs, Paula, and prayers

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  5. I am sorry you are having such a tough time. You need help, find a support group, call suicide prevention, get help now. See a doctor. Take that first step, there is help out there for you. No one should have to bear these burdens alone.

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  6. It's good for you to get your feelings out whether it's art or journaling. I can't imagine how betrayed and hurt you must feel. I do know that as long as we have breath in our body -there is hope. We'll all be praying and lifting you up as well as your boys. God will make a way.
    Hugs & much love my friend.

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  7. thank you all for the support. I am looking into going to Alanon. Despite the fact that the eldest one is clean and sober for nearly 18 months he is worse now than he was when he was getting high, and the little one is beginning to experiment and go down that road and I can't picture living thru that again either - especially when I see that what followed it turned out to be worse. Art is a good outlet and prayer is important for getting through it all and drawing closer to God which is where I need to be.

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  8. Paula I feel sorry for you to be going through this!!
    You need help fast!
    Take care girl, love yourself!

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  9. Paula, I highly suggest going to a support group and getting some help honey. You have to see that NONE of this is your fault. Kids are so influenced by one parent or another..and it seems that it will never get better, but it will. Teens are so vulnerable to how one parent molds them..trust me I know...and you just have to be there to help break that mold when they finally realize that their life needs to change. Stand your ground, do what you have to do to make sure they don't follow the wrong path. It may seem like you're not getting thru..and that your words are just meaningless to them..but they're not. Keep praying and trusting that God will work this for good. But most of all..get to a support group with others who are experiencing the same. Praying for you!!!

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    1. Other than Alanon you have any suggestions for type of group? I already attend Celebrate Recovery which is a Christian Recovery from every hurt and hangup group.

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    2. I was going to suggest Celebrate Recovery. I've just started going to it myself. I wish I was nearer and we could talk more one on one and find an outlet for you. As someone whose mom and uncle both died of suicide I hate to hear that anyone feels there is no other choice in life. Have you tried counseling or getting involved more at church? I would be so lost without my church family.
      hugs to you my friend.

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    3. how awful for you to have lost your Mom and Uncle that way. I do feel like that but would never do it because of those strong feelings ingrained in me at such an early age. That nun may have been off course biblically but she sure did a service for me in making that impression. I just started with a new therapist about a month ago and started in CR in January. I finally found someone to go over my 4th step with (done so differently than the ones I have done in the past with the 7 Deadly Sins and the 10 Commandments) and we are scheduled to meet next Wednesday at the park. Have you read Life's Healing Miracles yet? Are you in a woman's step study group? I am very involved in my church. This church has done more for me and my family than any other one I have ever been to. That was one of the best things that happened since moving to Delaware. I would be lost without them as well since I have no family beyond my sons. They all vanished when my Mom got Alzheimers. I have one friend in NJ that is close to DE that I know from one of my scrapping groups and we get together from time to time and we go to dinner, have coffee or go to a crop. Other than my church friends though I haven't realy met anyone else. Its so hard to make friends once your children get older. In Dumont my youngest had just started Kindergarten when we moved there and I made a wonderful circle of women friends that were the mother's of his friends. Where are you geographically?

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    4. It really is awful. Lots of pain and emotions go with it. I'm glad to hear you say you would never. Hopefully your new therapist will help you. I am working through Life's Healing choices right now. We are a mixed group. There are 2 guys and the rest of us are women. I have to agree, this church is my all. I was searching for something when I found it and it's been a lifesaver to me the last 3 1/2 years. I am in Northwestern PA. About an hour North of Pittsburgh, near the Ohio Line. I was an only child and most of my mom's family quiet having anything to do with me when I wouldn't follow their wishes after the funeral instead of my Mom's. I have many a story that could curl your hair about my husband and his influence on my daughter. Who will be graduating this year. Thankfully I have been a greater influence in her life. As well as her desire to be an EMT and work in the medical field. I work full time but my email is always open and I'm willing to chat anytime. bargspa@gmail.com

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  10. It worries me so, when I hear someone say there is nothing worth living for. AlAnon is a good start, but I think you should share these feelings with your doctor. He/she would give you some options to help you begin to feel better, whether it be one on one counselling with a mental health practioner, or perhaps medication for a period of time. I speak from experience. Life can certainly deliver some hard blows, but there are ways to recover and feel joy again. I pray that you will feel it again soon.

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    1. Don't worry. I'm already on an antidepressant. Was told years ago that I would need it for life as I have a chemical imbalance. No seratonin. I also recently started with a new therapist and doctor. I still have to find a convenient Alanon group.

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    2. I have recently had my diagnosis changed from Dysthymic Disorder with bouts of Major Depression to Major Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. Dysthymic Disorder was chronic low mood with periods of Major Depression. I guess now I'm just stuck with always depressed.

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  11. I agree there are worse things then death. I agree that birthing a child and having them treat you like crap sucks. I agree your being treated to a shit life by the three of them but you know you are better then that and deserve more then what you are being given. I belong to a 'group' and this group says that this "stinkin thinkin!" The one thing I have learned going to group is that the only person you have any control over is yourself...and that is minimal at best. You can't help your husband and boys if they choose to walk that path but...you can control how you feel and what you are going to do with your life. The best revenge is to rise up out of the muck they have sent you into and to live the best life you can. I know...been there and done this one. My family was a long line of drunk, druggies and low lifes. I went to a cousins funeral and on my way home saw an the mother of the girl...my Aunt crawling into her house cause she was so drunk/drugged up and other family sitting on the porch laughing at her. My first husband was an alcoholic/drug dealer. He beat and abused me horribly but I didn't know better cause that was all I had seen all my life but after a year of it and lots of mental bruises I ran and hid. Thanks for the help of an old alcoholic, (she says once a drunk always a drunk so you are always an alky, never WAS an alcoholic) I began seeing I might be worth salvaging. I it got better then got worse then better...get the idea.

    YOU are worth it. Don't let them decide for you. YOU decide. Find a group. You won't like some of what they say but then again you might agree with it all. One thing you learn is serenity. Like the prayer. God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. You can email me if you wish.

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    1. I've been clean and sober for nearly 30 years. I have no desire to handle these problems by using anything. The steps have been ingrained in me - at least as far as smoking, alcohol, drugs and food goes. I guess the codependency is rearing its ugly head. I realized I have a terrible problem with male approval seeking as that is something I never had. My father was also a nasty violent alcoholic as were both of my husbands and my eldest son. The thing is the 2nd husband was clean and sober when we married. He relapsed a batch of years ago and was getting high WITH our son. I put them both in rehab last year and my son has been clean since and his father from shortly after. They have gotten meaner and nastier the longer they have been clean and sober. Someone said they must be craving and instead of giving in they are taking it out on me. My elder son put a hole in the wall the other day. My ex spouts God out of one side of his mouth and curses and lies about me out of the other.

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    2. and the younger one is now experimenting...

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  12. Paula, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I agree with the other ladies, you need to take care of you. Linda's suggestion of talking to your Dr. is a great one. Sometimes we need outside help and there is no shame in asking for it. Wishing and praying for sunnier days for you.

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    1. I am going to therapy for it and will be on antidepressants for life as I have a chemical imbalance. I also have B12 deficiency. Today I go for another shot. Maybe that will help.

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  13. Paula, I realize this may sound trite & cliche-ish, but it's true: you cannot control the behavior of others, you can only control how you deal with it. I hope you know that the behavior of your husband and sons is their choice. But you also have a choice, to let it define you and ruin your life or to focus on God and His love for you which is the true defining of who you are. You are a child of God, you are royalty, a princess in fact, since you are a daughter of the Heavenly King! Having said all that, I know how hard it is to focus on God when your life feels so hopeless. But keep trying. Keep trying.

    I heartily agree with all the others about your needing therapy and support. And having antidepressant meds is very helpful. Have you explained to your Doctor that what you're taking isn't really doing it for you? I took Prozac for years and it worked wonderfully for me. But then one day it wasn't enough. Now I take Cymbalta & Wellbutrin, plus an anti-seizure drug for bi-polar. The combination of these three is working very well for me. You may need to explore a change in your meds.

    Paula, I so wish there were an "Easy" button for this, or magic words that would make it all better. I completely understand when you say that life is worse than death. I've never considered suicide, but there have been many many periods when I wished I could just go to sleep and not wake up, or find out that I only had a week to live, when dying would have been welcomed. My heart truly aches for you and what you're going through. Please keep hanging on. I believe with all my heart that it will get better!

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    1. Prozac is the only thing that ever worked for me. After 10 years on it I failed and spent 10 years trying everything out there. I can't take Wellbutrin as I had the seizure side effect. Cymbalta did nothing. And all the anti seizure drugs give me terrible side effects as I am not bi-polar. Lamictal and Seroquel were the absolute worst and of course depakote made my hair fall out in huge globs. Lamictal gave me very bad eye problems and seroquel hit me like a MACK truck. Could not even stand up even taking it at bedtime only. I have Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. I know that I truly don't want to die nor do I want anyone else's life as everyone's come with their own set of problems and I suppose we are most equipped to handle the ones we were dealt. I do spend a lot of time in prayer. Codependency is probably my hugest issue. I have been clean and sober nearly 30 years and free from eating disorders for at least 25. I don't use any substances to deal with the pain so I guess the pain just seems to deal with me sometimes.

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  14. So sorry for the issues you are suffering through right now Paula. I know you are a Christian woman, have you ever listened to Joyce Meyer (or read her books)? She has been through it all and has such a wonderful way of giving practical (and biblical) advice.

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    1. Thanks Cindy. Yes, I have heard and read some Joyce Meyer and I believe that several years ago I saw her at a WOF conference. She is awesome.

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